Yay, Edward
by xXnumbertwoXx
Summary: Crackfic/Edward-bash. Edward suffers the worst birthday ever when Bella discovers the wonders of caffeinated soda.


**Disclaimer:** Do I look like Stephenie Meyer? Um…No, I think not. Twilight is her piece of brilliance - not mine.

**A/N:** This is a product of sleep deprivation. You can really tell towards the end; the writing begins to slip. Oh well. It's pure crap, but I thought it was fun, so here it is.

I sat in my Volvo, staring grumpily at the steering wheel as Bella situated herself in the passenger seat. I couldn't look at her; I was too embarrassed to catch her gaze.

"Edward?" she asked, trying to get my attention.

"What?" I mumbled, still staring at the steering wheel.

"…..It wasn't that bad, you know."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? IT WAS AWFUL!!!" I exploded, jerking my head up and glaring at her.

She stifled a laugh. Crap. My face was still covered in frosting. This was why I hated birthdays.

It had started out just fine. Bella got me a present, of course, though I had told everyone I didn't need anything. After 110 years, birthdays and gifts just get dull. I guess someone saw her giving me the gift and wishing me a happy birthday, because the news soon leaked out. Everyone knew it was my birthday.

Now, I'm not exactly popular, but I have to admit, I'm pretty hot. I guess that's why that girl gave me the cake. I'd seen her around before. When Bella was "dancing" with dog-boy at the prom, I saw her glancing eagerly at me. But what the heck would I want her for? She was ugly, and besides, I had Bella.

I guess she wasn't one to give up easily, because next thing I knew, it was lunch and she was skipping towards our table with a cake. I eyed Bella nervously, then shot my gaze back at the girl.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EDWARD!!" she squealed in a high, nasal voice.

"W-Where'd you get that cake?" I choked.

"HOME EC!!" she continued squealing as she skipped.

Unfortunately, she was less coordinated than Bella, if that was even possible. She tripped on her own feet (typical) and suddenly, the cake was in my face. I was covered completely in pink frosting and sprinkles. Alice and Bella were doubling over in laughter as I wiped the frosting from my face. When my eyes were clear of pink, I looked up and saw her getting up and running away, crying. Well, that solved one problem. But what the hell was I supposed to do when my face and clothes were covered in frosting?!?

I stormed to the main office and demanded that I be allowed to go home. Sadly, it's quite impossible to dazzle female administrators when their eyes are tearing from laughter as you stand dumbly in front of them, fuming, while cake drips from your hair. I was stuck with a frosting covered face for the rest of the day.

Which leads us to the present. I shoved my hand in front of Bella's eyes to prevent her from seeing me in my time of weakness. It wasn't polite! How dare she laugh at me while I was having the worst day of my life! At least it couldn't get any worse.

I drove quickly to Bella's house. When we got there, I got out and went around to her side to open the door. I may have been covered in frosting, but I'm still polite. I grumpily took her hand and helped her up and was about to go back to the driver's side, when her hand dominated mine and she pulled me towards her front door.

"Bella, what are you doing?!" I asked, annoyed.

She had a large grin on her face as she dragged me up the walkway. I was about to use my super-uber-mega-macho-vampire-strength to escape to safety of my shiny car, but I saw a face in the window.

An angry face.

A face that hated me.

Charlie.

There was no way I was screwing up my relationship with him any further, so instead of using my s.u.t.m.m.strength, I pulled back mildly the way a human would and let Bella pull me towards her house.

She flung open the front door and dragged me past a staring Charlie towards the stairs.

"What's he doing here? And why's he covered in…pink?" he asked, halting Bella in her tracks. I never thought I'd say this, but thank god for Charlie!

Before she could open her mouth, I was already talking.

"Some klutz threw a cake on me and I was just about to go home and take a shower if Bella would just let go of me!" I said with a hint of irritation on my gorgeous face as I tugged at my arm.

"But it's your birthday!" Bella whined, tugging back, "If I had to celebrate with your family, then you have to celebrate with me!"

She had a point there.

Charlie sighed. "Alright, he can stay."

HOW DARE HE!!!

"You can clean up here, I guess. The bathroom's upstairs. Bella can show you." And with that, the traitor turned back to his game.

Bella was once again tugging at my arm, pulling me upstairs to the bathroom. When we were out of sight, I pulled my arm back and rushed to the bathroom before locking the door.

"Aw, Edward, let me in!" Bella whined.

"No way! It's my birthday; you have to respect my wishes!" I barked.

"E-Edward!" she choked. "How…How can you say that?"

The door was open in a flash and my worried face poked out. "Bella!" I started with a worried tone.

"Ha ha, just kidding!" she laughed.

"Bella!" This time, a frustrated tone through gritted teeth.

"Oops."

Suddenly, Alice was beside her, gazing at my frosting-covered face. "What's up?" she asked. I fell back in shock.

"Wh-When did you get here?!"

"I'd like to say I had a vision that there was going to be a party, but really, Charlie just called me up on the phone and told me to come over. So I did."

"Who are you more faithful towards, him or Jasper?" I sneered.

"AAAUUGH!!!" she screamed as she fell in a heap on the ground.

"Well, that takes care of her," I said as I stepped over her twitching body, rubbing my hair with a towel.

"Alice!!" Charlie squeaked, staring up from the bottom of the stairs.

"She did it," I said, pointing at Bella.

He glared at his daughter. "You're very lucky to have a boy like Edward. I'm sure he doesn't beat up other girls!" Did he notice he was basically calling me a girl?

"Actually…" Bella started.

"It's okay, Charlie. I'll make sure to keep her controlled around Alice from now on," I cut in.

Bella glared at me. It was a short-lived fury, though, as I chose to remove the towel from my head at that moment. You could practically taste her excitement. Actually…grab Jasper for me. You could taste her excitement.

"Yay, your hair's not pink anymore!" she grinned. All thoughts of anger towards me were lost in an instant as she beamed at my shiny, bronze hair.

I know. I'm hot.

Charlie looked at Bella awkwardly. "Um…In celebration of Edward's birthday…"

"-And his hair," Bella cut in.

"…And…his hair…Let's go downstairs and have some pizza."

"Yay, Edward," Alice said weakly from the floor.

"Alice…Are you okay?" I asked.

"…..Yay, Edward."

I shrugged and left her there. Jasper could deal with her later.

Downstairs, Charlie had a large cheese pizza and an assortment of sodas - Mountain Dew, Coca Cola, Dr. Pepper, and Jolt.

"I know you don't eat much, Edward…" Charlie started. _I didn't know boys could turn anorexic…_ I heard him think. I glared at him. "…But I thought you might like some soda."

"…Thanks."

Bella gazed at the sodas adoringly. "Wow, thanks, dad!" she gasped.

"Actually, they're for Edward…"

"I've never had soda before! Mom never let me! Something about restraint…"

"Restraint from what?" I asked.

She shrugged as she twisted off the cap of the Dr. Pepper. She carefully poured the drink into a cup and took a cautious sip. Her eyes immediately lit up. "Oh my GAWD!! What have I been missing?!" she squealed as she excitedly poured a larger amount of Dr. Pepper into her glass.

"Bella, don't have too much. Leave some for the rest of us," Charlie laughed.

She thought for a moment. "Hmm…I'm going to have to make up for lost time." With that, she took the bottle in both hands and chugged it down.

"Bella!" he exclaimed.

"Don't worry, she'll be fine," I reassured him.

"Yay, Edward," Alice said weakly from the other room.

Charlie, Bella and I sat on the couch and started to watch a ball game. I really didn't know which. Do you think I care about these things? Ugly, sweating guys running around after a ball…What was the point? It was always the same. Someone won and someone lost and they were all adored because they ran after a ball and sweated their butts off. Mental? YES!!

As Charlie munched slowly at his pizza, focused completely on his game, Bella finished off her Dr. Pepper and started on the Coke.

"Bella, you really shouldn't drink so much. It's bad for you!" I warned her.

"I don't care," she said.

"You know, it will ruin your teeth and I won't want to kiss you," I said quieter.

Charlie was suddenly no longer interested in the game. "What? He kisses you?!"

"All the time!" Bella replied bluntly as she eagerly stuck her bottle back in her mouth and resumed her chugging.

"Bella!" I hissed, nodding my head pointedly towards her father.

"Yay, Edward."

"Would you stop that?" I called to Alice.

"Yay, Edward."

"SERIOUSLY!!"

"…..Yay, Edward."

I sighed and buried my face in my hands.

"At least someone likes you," Charlie muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" I demanded as I whipped my head up in his direction, shooting him a glare.

"Well…I think it's pretty clear that I hate your guts, and with Bella's new infatuation over caffeinated beverages…"

Ouch.

"Bella…Is that true?" I choked.

"Hmm…Coke's all gone. ONTO THE MOUNTAIN DEW!!!" She jumped up and ran into the kitchen.

My face was in my hands yet again.

"No one loves me…There's no point in living…" I moaned.

"Aw…Now don't go emo over it!" Charlie said. "Alice still likes you! Right, Alice?"

"Yay, Edward."

"Thanks, Alice," I mumbled.

Bella returned, chugging the bottle of Jolt.

"I thought you were getting the Mt. Dew," I said.

"I did!" She looked at me as if it were obvious.

"You mean you…finished…it?" I stammered.

"Yup!"

"That's an awful lot…"

"Yup! 'Scuse me, I really have to pee!"

"Wait!"

I followed her up the stairs.

"Hi, Alice," Bella said as she stepped over Alice's limp body.

"Yay, Edward," she replied weakly.

Bella entered the bathroom cheerily and slammed the door in my face.

"Bella, we need to talk," I said, stepping over Alice as well.

"'Bout what?" her voice asked through the door.

"Your caffeine intake…"

"Wait, can we talk about this later? I'm kinda trying to concentrate."

I sighed and leaned against the wall. A few minutes later, Bella came out of the bathroom, looking rather refreshed.

"Hi, Edward!" she grinned. I couldn't help but grin back.

"Listen, Bella, it's getting kinda late. I think you should be getting to bed," I told her. Despite the fact that I couldn't live without her by my side, I seriously had to leave this house before the caffeine kicked in.

"I'm not really tired," she chirped.

"Bella, I really think you should at least _try_ to sleep."

"Do I get a goodnight kiss?"

I grinned. "Of course."

I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers when she started to giggle.

"What?" I asked as I pulled back.

"You're cold," she giggled.

I frowned. "That's never bothered you before."

Then she got an evil glint in her eyes, and that's when my life became a living hell. I mean, I know I'm without a soul and damned for all eternity, but there can be nothing worse than a caffeinated Bella.

"Hey, Edward, I've got a great idea!" she said, lowering her voice conspiratorially.

"What?" I asked nervously.

She didn't answer me. She instead ran into the bathroom and grabbed an armful of toilet paper rolls.

"What are you doing?!" I yelped.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" she squealed as she stepped over Alice and ran down the stairs.

"BELLAAA!! NOOOO!!!"

But it was too late. She had already covered the stairwell and kitchen with toilet paper and was now working on mummifying Charlie.

As she finished wrapping up her father like a Christmas present, she ran off to other parts of the house.

"MMPHFF MMMMHH!!!" Charlie's muffled voice moaned from underneath layers and layers of toilet paper.

"Don't worry, Charlie! I'll lock Bella in a room and then I'll help you, okay?" I said hastily as I ran off to capture my rampaging girlfriend.

It didn't take long to find her. All I had to do was follow the toilet paper trail and the sound of her voice. Add that to my super-uber-mega-macho-vampire-speed and it was a piece of cake.

I grabbed her squealing, wriggling form and shoved her into her room and locked the door before returning to Charlie.

I tore at the thin paper until I found his face and he eagerly gasped for air.

"I'M ALIVE!!" he gasped. "I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!!!"

"Um…It's nighttime, Charlie."

"…..THE LIGHT OF NIGHT!!!!!"

"Whatever. I have to go get Bella," I said, running back to her room.

What I found, though, was not Bella, but her door ripped off its hinges and a completely empty room.

"Bella? Bella, where are you?" I asked nervously. I looked all of her room and found nothing but tons of British literature, a _really_ slow computer, and a few CD's.

And my sock…What the heck was she doing with my sock? I'd ask her later; I was a little busy at the moment.

"Charlie, help me look for Bella!" I called to him. He came to my side and nodded nervously. "It's okay, Charlie. We're going to make it out of this alive," I reassured him.

"It's not that," he said quietly. "It's…I found another empty bottle. She's had another Jolt."

I went whiter than paper. "We have to find her now!"

I ran all over the house, but I didn't find her anywhere. When I'd checked every last room and found nothing, I started to panic.

"Bella!" I yelled. "Charlie, do something! She's _your_ daughter!...Charlie?" I trailed off as I turned and saw that Bella's father was no longer there. I heard the squealing of tires and saw my precious Volvo turn out of the driveway. I ran through the door in an desperate attempt to catch him. "Charlie!!" I screamed after the quickly retreating car. "Dammit, Charlie, you're not supposed to go over 35 miles per hour! You're a cop; you should know that!!"

"Too bad your car's so fast," a voice snickered from behind me.

"Alice!"

"I mean…Yay, Edward!"

I sighed warily and dropped my head into my hands. "Where am I going to find Bella?" I muttered.

"Wheeeeeeeee!!"

My head snapped up instantly. "Bella?!" I looked up and sure enough, there she was standing on the top of her house.

"OHMIGAWD!!! Bella, get down from there _this instant_!!" I demanded.

"CATCH MEEEEEEEEE!!" she squealed as she leapt off the house and plummeted towards the ground.

"NOOO!!!" I yelled. I ran over and caught her just in time.

"That was fun! Let's do it again!" she said, smiling up at me stupidly from my arms.

"No!" I groaned.

She frowned. Apparently, Bella didn't like the idea of living. Well…That was kinda true. She _did_ want to become a vampire. But that's different. At least you're still moving and doing things when you're a vampire. When you're dead, you're dead.

"Bad vampire!" she pouted and whacked me upside the head.

"What is it, Hate Edward Day?!" I shouted at the sky.

"Who are you talking to?" Bella asked.

"…God…"

"I didn't know you were religious."

"I didn't know you were suicidal."

"I'm not suicidal!" she protested.

"You freakin' jumped off of the roof of your house!"

"…So?"

I sighed again. "Let's just get you to bed."

"I told you, I'm not tired!" she whined.

"Oh, yeah? In about one minute, you're going to completely crash thanks to that absurd amount of caffeinated soda you drank!" I contradicted.

"How do you know?"

"I went to medical school!"

"Yay, Edward."

"Shut up, Alice."

Bella glared at me. "You're just jealous 'cause I'm human and I can drink s…"

Bella fell limp in my arms. "Oh, yeah. Mr. PhD wins again!" I cheered.

"Is that how you refer to yourself? Mr. PhD?" Charlie asked from behind me.

"Charlie!! Is my pretty Volvo okay? Did you scratch it? If you did, I'm so killing you!"

"You're stupid car…"

"Gasp!"

"…Is perfectly fine."

"How long have you been here then?" I asked.

"Long enough to hear the whole medical school thing. … So. You went to medical school?" he asked skeptically.

I hesitated. "Um…Yes?"

"Get out of my house. NOW," he ordered.

"What?!"

"You're either too old to be legally dating my daughter, or you're mentally ill, in which case I suggest you go to the nearest mental asylum."

"I've been there; it isn't fun," Alice said as she limped down the stairs towards us. Apparently she was still numb from the comment I'd made awhile ago. It was just a stupid diss!

"Hmm…I guess you're whole family is crazy then," Charlie thought to himself.

"NO! It's not like that!!" I said desperately.

But it was too late. Charlie kicked us out the door and left us on the street. It wasn't until we reached my gorgeous Volvo that I realized I was still holding Bella.

"Hey, I'm still holding Bella!" I said.

"Hmm…We could have a lot of fun with an unconscious Bella," Alice mused. But just then, she stirred and lifted her head, staring up at me groggily.

"Hey…Is anyone else totally craving Mountain Dew?"


End file.
